…at least, according to my Italian phrasebook, that is.

As the GSB admins told you, I’m in Italy right now on vacation, and besides being ridiculously hot (we’re talkign between 95 and 100 degrees, plus humidity), they speak a language which I do not. However, I have my trusty Lonely Planet phrasebook.

This thing is hilarious. They have an entire section devoted to romance. Folks, I have enough trouble landing chicks who actually SPEAK my language, let alone ones with whom there is a language barrier. I would be stunned if anyone who needs a phrasebook could actually score with local women, but for better or for worse, the section’s in there. Here’s some of the winners that Lonely Planet saw fit to provide translations and pronunciations for:

- I want to make love to you - Voglio fare l’amore con te.
- Do you have a condom? - Hai un preservatio?
- Let’s go to bed! - Andiamo a letto!
- I want you - Ti desidero.
- Touch me here - Toccami si.
- Easy Tiger! - Calma!
- That was amazing - È stato stupendo.
- I can’t get it up. Sorry. - Non mi si raddrizza. Mi dispiace.

In addition to these gems, the book handily includes translations for “faster,” “harder,” “softer,” “slower,” “oh yeah,” “oh my god,” and “come on.” In addition, in case any of you were confused, the phrasebook cautions, “Be mindful of the word finocchio, which means both “fennel” and “queer” (homosexual). Likewise, uccello means “bird” and “dick”. Thanks, Lonely Planet, I’ll keep that in mind.

I am relatively certain I will use none of these phrases in the near future.

More news from Italy soon… stay posted.

Posted by Hansel Wei on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006 at 7:50 pm.